The R Word

"Racism isn't getting worse, it's getting filmed" - Will Smith

Every morning I wake up, as I get ready for the day ahead (pre- lockdown), what I have recently come to realise is that I am getting ready to be anything but myself for the day. I put on my “whites.” (Figuratively speaking).

Now when I say this, you’re probably wondering what the hell that means?

To put it bluntly, I’m getting ready to be “less black.”

What does this mean though?

So obviously I don’t mean scrubbing away my wonderful melanin. This basically means toning down my personality and self in order to not offend or make my fellow white counterparts uncomfortable.

Also, toning it down to not be judged or viewed as being “too black.”

What’s wrong with being “too black” though?

Sadly, assumptions are made, prejudice occurs, judgement, less opportunities and just an even harder time than we already have.

This is not a nice thing to have to do. I don't even think about it, it just comes naturally! By me doing this actually makes me a part of the problem.

However, on the flip side, this is done in order to conform to societies standards. If I didn’t, then I may not have got my job, I may not have been able to rent my lovely maisonette I live in or have been praised at work for my “lovely telephone voice.”

I remember a situation at work once. A colleague at work was discussing another colleague as she had recently had her lips done. She went on and on about how lovely this colleagues lips were. How juicy and big they were and even went on to discuss her bum.

“Her bum is sooo perfect. She’s curvy and just looks lovely”

I remember thinking, I’ve got “big juicy lips” my bum and figure are considered curvy, yet she had never said anything to me.

Now before you jump on me with “it’s not all about you, maybe she didn’t like yours” actually yes it is about me and of course she doesn’t like mine. Why? The probability of it being because I am black, is very high. All the features mentioned were attributes I naturally had and had never once received any sort of compliment or praise. Yet when my white counterpart purchased these things, she was hailed AMAZING and a TRUE BEAUTY.

There is nothing true about lip filler and a BBL (Brazilian butt lift).

Black features are often sought after, praised and desired...JUST NOT ON A BLACK WOMAN.

When it comes to our hair/hairstyles, lips, curvaceous bodies, bum, even skin tone. These things are all celebrated, just only when it’s not on a black woman.

Or when these things are recognised in us by our white counterparts, it’s always in a sexual way or we are asked to “twerk” for their entertainment, as opposed to just enjoying/complimenting our looks and our figures.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been approached by white men (in reality and online) and told how they have “never been with a black woman.”

First of all, F**K OFF STEVE and keep your ebony category of porn sexual fantasies away from me.

I rebuke you and your black fetishism, purely for your own sexual gratification. I know you’re dying to call me a n*gger whilst you forcefully push yourself into me, in an attempt to re-enact a scene you probably watched on Pornhub.

Thankfully, I chose a different career path than to be referred to as “Chocolate Kandi”, or “Bootylicious Ebony” so be gone from me with your racist fantasies.

Where did all this come from though and how did we get here?

So unless you’re living under a rock somewhere, you would probably have seen the sickening video or a news story on the late George Floyd’s ( may he rest in peace) murder by a Minneapolis police officer.

Well, like many others I am sick and tired of seeing the same viral videos or news about another black man/or woman being abused, lied on, accused or killed, just because of the colour of their skin. It’s becoming almost a daily event and it is absolutely soul destroying.

Which then brings me to the topic of race/racism and all of the issues surrounding it. When these things happen and you see it everywhere, you feel so broken and sickened at the treatment of your people. That’s someone’s mum/dad, brother/sister, uncle/auntie, cousin or friend. That could be one of my loved ones!!

You are then forced to look at your own life and how although you have not been killed because of the colour of your skin, you too experience racism in some form on a day to day basis.

However, we’ve become so used to it, that it’s just become normal.

Racism such a sensitive topic and I’ve never felt confident enough to speak on the subject publicly (on my social’s) as I didn’t feel I was eloquent enough to express my views. However, eloquent or not, I feel I need to speak up and talk about some of the realities there are living as a black woman.

I grew up in South London, which in itself is a very culturally diverse area. As a child I did experience racism, but so did everyone- so I guess it became normal and a part of my childhood. I didn’t realise this until I was a lot older.

Now having moved out of a South London Estate and into a quiet suburban town in Surrey, I am forced to think about so many things regarding my race that I didn’t have to worry about before. I will get onto this later or in another post.

My best friend sent over a thread via Instagram this morning that showcased black people in a positive light and highlighting our creativity. The same way I view black people. It proper cheered me up, but on the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel like my joy couldn’t be outwardly expressed when they* are literally killing my people-daily.

Racism is a subject I’ve always tried to avoid taking about because if I’m being honest, I didn’t know how to approach the subject. It’s heartbreaking to say the least...I so want to do something-but what??

How can we raise black** sons in environments and systems that are built for them to not succeed?

They’ll be targeted for everything and at an automatic disadvantage, purely based on their skin colour or name.

Our daughters; viewed by the white man as sexual objects/fantasies/fetishes.

Disregarded and not rated in education establishments and in the work place.

Our son’s and daughter’s held back from the promotion at work, even though they have worked 30 times harder than their Caucasian colleague for the role and are more experienced.

Us always having to go above and beyond to prove ourselves/be accepted , only to not even be considered on par with the white colleague SIMPLY BECAUSE OF OUR SKIN COLOUR. Even if we are better skilled than them.

Sometimes feeling undeserving of nice things/living somewhere nice because of our skin colour. Or having to explain that actually, it was due to saving money and not stolen or purchased using drug money.

Having to try and figure out if every new white person we speak to is racist through conversation with them, studying their body language and their reaction to certain things.

Being told “you’re alright, you’re not like the other black people. You know how to conduct yourself.”

Dealing with the racial/demeaning micro aggression’s at work and having to try and pass it off as banter, because God forbid when we open our mouths to defend ourselves, we are viewed as the angry black woman/man.

I literally have to internalise sooooooo many racist & ignorant comments at work, its a joke.

Not wanting to change your hairstyle mid week or at any time, ever, due to the excessive comments/questions and attempted invasions of your personal space (trying to touch your hair) by your colleagues at work. Closely followed by their unwanted and unprovoked opinion on which hairstyles they prefer on you.

I’m actually sick of having to explain how I went from a 10 inch black bob, to a 22 inch red hairstyle overnight. Do the math Karen. You’ve asked me this numerous times before. *rolls eyes*

Not wanting to warm your leftover curry goat/rice and peas/jollof//whatever you have, in the microwave at work because that will attract a swarm of nosy parker’s like “ooo, that smells spicy, what is it?”

Then having to sit through them watching your every bite and talking about their neighbour’s, brother’s, uncle’s mate who is “black” (this is whispered) and made them jerk chicken once. 4 years ago. When all you want to do is enjoy your 30 minute break in peace.

Being called aggressive when you are passionate about something or simply expressing your feelings. Or called “too much” or “playing the race card.”

Having to think about what clothes you can/cannot wear due to your curvaceous body* and offending people, when your white counterparts can wear booty shorts/leggings/mini skirts without thinking twice or anyone saying a word.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to change out of something through fear of it being classed as inappropriate, knowing full well that if I was less curvaceous & had white skin, it wouldn’t be an issue.***

Having to go out of your way to source products which we use for our skin and hair daily, because we are that excluded from society that the big retail shops don’t stock our basic essentials, or when they do it’s a very limited selection or ridiculously overpriced.

Overhearing racist comments being made by ignorant people, but choosing to ignore it instead of explaining for the millionth time that they can’t say the n word, just because their friend’s, cousin’s, nephew’s dad is black and that, that means they cannot possibly be racist.

Being called anti-white, because you’re pro-black.

Being stressed and frustrated at all of the above and not knowing how to fix it!

If you’re reading this as a black woman/man, I’m sure you would have experienced at least one, if not almost all of the points I’ve raised above.

There are so many more things that happen that I haven’t mentioned.

Shout out to those of you, who are unapologetically black. You are the real MVP’s.

(Most valuable players). I could learn a thing or two from you! Truly.

Also, shout out to the white people who acknowledge their privilege and use it to speak on this subject!!!

We appreciate you. So much.

The amount of resilience and sh*t we have to take throughout our day-to-day lives is actually ALOT. It’s exhausting and it’s tiring.

I’m sick of it all.

We can’t continue to keep apologising for being black. Even though we’ve never had to do it directly, we’ve done it indirectly in one too many situations.

I will admit that I am part of the problem. So many times I’ve been with black friends and family and realised that things have gotten really loud. No-one is doing anything to harm anyone, but we may be laughing too loud, engaging in debates or just enjoying ourselves.

Then suddenly, I will notice our surroundings, be it a restaurant or in a park for example. I’ll then start to try and quiet everyone in fear of all of us being judged/labelled by the white faces all around us.

Some of you reading might say “no Soph, it’s called being considerate to other people” and in one sense I agree with you, but there’s another dimension to that.

A dimension that you probably have never experienced.

The one where everyone is looking at you in disgust, not just because you’re being loud or laughing-the one where they are looking at you in that way because you are BLACK.

The kind of scenario where the moment the group of you walk into a nice restaurant, all eyes are on you and the customer service from the staff seems to conveniently falter whenever speaking to members of your party, but you notice how attentive they are being to other non-black customers.

“Stop being so sensitive, it’s probably because you’re being loud. Not everything is about colour”- if you’re saying this, then you my friend are a huge part of the problem.

Explain when we are not being loud and are walking the street in a crowd, or chilling in the park enjoying each other’s company, minding our business, but then we get the looks and the complaints and sometimes the police might even turn up. Explain that one?

I decided to write this post specifically because, #BlackLivesReallyDoMatterEvenIfYouThinkTheyDont.

If you are offended by this, then again- you are the problem.

Why is it that whenever it comes to us black people sticking up for ourselves, we should include everyone, especially as so little people advocate for us!

No. I’m unapologetically supporting the black cause in this instance.

That’s not to say Asian, or white lives don’t matter, but it’s because I am black and this is the cause I’m supporting as it resonates with me, my friends and my family. It’s a cause I can relate to, feel strongly towards and one that I am passionate about.

Now I know that this post isn’t going to stop racism. Our people will still sadly be murdered daily. We will continue to wake up to news of black people being hurt & wrongfully accused.

We will still face racism in a lot of aspects in our lives.

I guess I’ve written it to shed light on the very real & taboo subject that is racism on all levels and to talk about a fraction of how I feel and my personal experiences.

I don’t know what I can do to help my brothers & sisters. If anyone has any suggestions, I would be open to hearing them.

What I do know though, is that black lives really do matter. A lot.

If this post has offended you, kindly do-one.

Over and out x

*They - Authorities such as police officers for example.

**When I say black, I’m referring to black and mixed race people.

***Yes I am aware that not all black women are curvy and that white women are also curvy and that people have a variety of body shapes, irrespective of race.

I’m talking about myself and my experience, but relating it to experiences that I know so many other black women that I know personally have experienced when it comes to issues of the body.