I've got issues..

Whew. Life comes at you fast init?!

For those who don't understand the context of the above meme, here is the Youtube link for reference - https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=n9oK9EBfy80&skip_registered_account_check=true. Don't say I don't ever hook you up!

Anyway, I first started writing my blog when I was 25. I am now 31! Actual madness 🤯.

As I write this, I’m wondering if people even read blogs anymore?! I feel like everything is moving so quickly and maybe people don’t have time to read anymore? I feel like it's all about TikToks and reels. I actually wrote this blog post a couple of months ago, but so much has transpired since then and I just feel now is the perfect time to post.

How is everyone though?! Shoutout to everyone waking up everyday to do what needs to be done, whether that’s going to work, showering, exercising, cleaning the house or whatever. It’s those small victories that matter man. Not every day start a new business or do a 10K run at 4am before work. That’s not to diss those who are doing that - I salute you! But that’s not where I’m at 😄. Also shout out to those who don’t bother and choose to stay in bed. Sometimes it gets like that and I see you and I really feel you.

So, completely unrelated and random, but guys…I just received my first adult passport like 2 months ago. Now for context, I’m not an illegal immigrant…* but I did dance into the post office like so when sending off my application:

I just had never been away in my adult life, until literally last week and that was literally my first ever holiday as an adult woman - embarrassing to say the least! My child passport legit expired the year I had Faith in 2007 and I never renewed it. I’ve been so used to providing an array of documents to prove my identity for years, instead of applying for a passport like every other British citizen😅. So now that it's here, when you see me doing up Zante and Malaga like it’s 2008 again, mind ya business. I was a teen mum so didn't get to have the same enjoyment most of you lot had, therefore I have to start from the bottom. It’s a rite of passage, no? Although I'm saying all this, I am TERRIFIED of flying. I flew on my own for the first time ever and for the first time since 2006 and it was madness. In the two weeks leading up to flying out, I was an anxious mess. I spoke to my old manager as she also has a fear of flying and she recommended a wonderful drug called Diazepam to get me through the ordeal. Without this and the sweet lady who I befriended on the plane, who so kindly held my hand the whole way as I sobbed and sweated profusely all over her, I would never have made it to my destination.

So where am I at mentally - asked nobody? I am low-key going through some rough times, but then every now and then I remember one of those daily quotes/chain mail about receiving good fortune that the auntie’s send you on what's app and everything is great (providing I forward it to 10 people on my contact list). Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong?

I’ve not posted on here for a couple of years and there’s several reasons as to why I haven’t. One being that I’m been dragged through court by my ex over child contact for the last 2 years. I haven't written about it as much as I would lie to, as to not jeopardise the on-going legal proceedings. Also, I didn't fancy seeing giant screenshots of my blog posts in the court room. Seeing them sent from my ex via my solicitor on email is enough! Haha. I’ve never been married and divorced but I reckon it’s pretty similar to what I’ve been through and it is BRUTAL. However, it's something I've genuinely come to terms with and hopefully next year it will all be over and my ex can finally move on with his life, instead of trying to constantly tear me down.

Whilst we’re on the topic of exes, I am also currently in recovery from a tumultuous relationship. Can you guys believe that after 5 years single I finally entered into a relationship, hoping for my happily ever after but what I got in reality was really high, highs and really low lows. It was exciting, but so exhausting…but again- we can catch up on this tea another time chile. As I write this, I’m pretty calm, but in about 30 seconds I may also have a complete meltdown! I want to be able to write about this when I’m a bit more mentally sound. What I will say though is that good d*ck will have you sticking around in situations you have no business being in 😅. I learned this a little too late in life 🙃. Just kidding, I stuck around "beCaUSe I lOve him" *Kat slater voice*. Adding the fact that I have abandonment issues, coupled with my newly uncovered co-dependency traits AND his shall we say "issues"- it was just a recipe for disaster. For those who aren't aware of the term I have taken the liberty of including a brief description of what codependency is: “Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as 'the giver, wants to be needed — and makes sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as 'the taker." My role in this particular situation was the giver. I mean, it's so much deeper than this but yeah...let’s get into that another time!

…and since we’re on the topic of losing people, last year September I lost someone extremely dear to me. Oh, she didn’t die, she’s just dead to me 😅. I’m playing, this actually still really hurts. Have you ever had a friend that felt like your actual soulmate? It’s so rare, but truly this girl was my sister for real. As corny as it sounds, she was…just genuinely my best, best girl and my no.1 hype man. It’s been really difficult and I honestly have never mourned a relationship like this. We were heavy on the PDA on our socials, so you can imagine the stressssss when the posts came to a sudden halt and people came with the questions. I'm so nosy, so I fully know I would be doing exactly the same,

It’s genuinely such a difficult thing for me to talk about as the situation plays on my mind sometimes. I know I fully sound like I’m talking about an ex and it possibly sounds unhealthy, but we were just super duper close (in hindsight, quite possibly co-dependent???). The amount of times I have gone to call her or typed out messages and deleted them, because I genuinely feel like I would be doing myself a disservice as I left the ball in her court. To cut a long story short, she ghosted me 🙃.

She ghosted me after I expressed how I felt about things that had gone on and funnily enough, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me (the first time by her). All I wanted was a conversation. Instead I was met with radio silence. I found this difficult as I began to question whether the issue was with me and went over and over what I had said to her. You know when you’re genuinely baffled by someone’s reaction (or lack of). I had seen her do it several times to her other friends but I just never thought that would be us. As time goes on and I continue on my healing journey I realise more and more that not everything and everyone is forever - and that is ok. I just now need to apply this universally.

BTW- I just imagined a scenario in my mind where she happens to find this post, reads it and is sat there laughing to herself like Tom Cruise in that meme.

I feel nervous and vulnerable writing so candidly on these things, and if I’m being really open and honest here- the issues I've mentioned are really plaguing me. I stay in situations waaaay longer than I should and find it crippling when I’m rejected. This definitely adds to my existing anxiety and is 100% as a result of my relationship with my parents during childhood and the trauma I've experienced throughout my life.

As I said before, I'm a work-in-progress….so if anyone has any sound advice and has overcome something similar or is even going through it, then pleaaaaseeee drop me a message or DM. My therapist told me that it can take years, which is daunting, but I'm ready to break free from it, grow and just become an all round healthier version of my current self.

Moving on I thought I would end this on a positive note because after re-reading this post it legit sounds like I’m hating life right now (lol). It’s always been a dream of mine to live in a cute 3 bedroom house and in October last year, my dream literally came true and the house is just perfect for the 3 of us! I mean, it definitely helps that I work for an Estate Agents but nonetheless- it happened. Who would have thought little old Soph, who grew up in Thornton Heath and West Croydon, would one day be living a 3 bed DETACHED home, with a garden, the cutest decking AND a drive. ( I sound like I’m bragging but I’m just honestly so in love with our home). And it’s on the nicer side of Croydon (yes, there are nicer parts of Croydon before you slanderous Croydon haters start! ) Ha!

Pros to living here:

• I can have loud sex (not that this will be happening anymore now I'm single- and when the kids aren't here ofc 😂). In my previous place, I lived in a maisonette directly next door to my landlord. So you can imagine I was doing quiet, heavy breathing, with a pillow on my face during sexy time and it was just. not. it. Oh my gosh, I actually need to tell you guys about my psychotic ex landlord. Another time!

• It’s a cute little family area and really is a gorgeous little house 🥰

• Everyone has their own room - not that it makes a difference as Tate hardly sleeps in his 🥲. Don’t even get me started on the lack of privacy when it comes to these kids 🙃. Let’s just say, I need a lock on my door. Any locksmiths reading?

• We have a bloody garden! Oh my gosh, it’s the little pleasures in life man. I’m having so much enjoyment this summer and you’re all invited if you can make the flight to Croydon! 🤣. Alsooooo, Tate can play outdoors without me having to make a trip to the park…not everyday park! 🙌🏾

• The Drive - my lovely little Qashqai lives there (I hardly drive it) but having a drive is just a bonus I didn't know I needed.

Cons to living here:

• 2 properties ago, I lived on an estate and when I tell you I miss the fact that I could play loud music until the early hours during social events and no-one ever complained in the 10 years I was there (shout-out Jo, Lil & Vicky for being the best neighbours ever!). I sound selfish, but genuinely everyone around there had their fair share of drama, so it balanced out! I miss the couples screaming at each other, listening to peoples arguments through a glass on the wall, standing on the balcony and observing scorned people burning their significant others clothes and making it a public event. I miss the police rocking up to attend whatever madness has occurred that week. Mostly, the kids being able to play out from morning till night with other kids their age. It was such a community feel 🥰😄

• I have to actually wheel my bins off the drive and to the road and have to deal with the binmen just throwing them in the middle of the road when they’re done 🙃. I know I’m not the only one going through it on bin day 😅.

• I have to actually physically drive unwanted items to the designated dump, not just throw them in the communal council bins (@CroydonCouncil mind ya business - you have zero evidence). Before you raise your eyebrows at me, we all did it! 🌚

• I have to maintain my front and back garden (no pun intended- although I will add that my personal front garden is currently in tip-top shape, although I’m not sure how long for since I’m single again 😄). My ACTUAL front and back garden are looking like the forbidden forest from Harry Potter. Any gardeners reading?

• My final con is that THERE IS MORE HOUSE TO CLEAN. Oh my gosh. It never stops! How is everyone staying on top of their housework? Or are you not? Let’s talk about this. Send me your numbers, I’ll start a group chat, then probably mute it, archive it and never respond 😂.

Oh my gosh, I almost forget to tell you that I handed in my notice at my job of 4 years!!! I'm quitting to become a full time university student for the next 3 years, just as we are in the midst of a cost-of-living crisis, but YOLO. Talk about poor timing, but for me it was now or never, I've wanted to do it for years and it's going to better mine and the kids lives in the long run.

Anyway, I’m gonna stop now before this becomes a dissertation. To all two of you who made it to to the end of this post, I thank you for reading.

Oh and also, I know I haven’t really mentioned the kids but don’t worry - they’re still alive and doing ok. Social services haven’t taken them away yet, despite my ambitious ex’s lies and false accusations. So I must be doing something right…right? 😄

This has been your first dose-of-Soph this year. Until next time ✌🏾 x