Why is it so different this time around?

I am a terrible person. I have neglected my blog the past couple of months, because put simply, life got in the way.

I can sometimes be the most private person, but then at times, be so open.

I started this blog as a means of getting some things off my chest, but also because I enjoy writing; and it honestly does that for me. I am honest and write about situations as they occur from my point of view, but it also allows for me to see things from another perspective. Reflection.

Being so open to readers ( some who know me, most don’t) was one of the most nerve wracking things I have ever done. I remember after posting my first few blogs receiving numerous phone calls asking if I was ok. I was taken a back. As were those calling. They couldn’t believe the content I was writing and a lot felt that I shouldn’t be so open. However in writing the things I did, I was able to close the chapter on a few matters in my life and move on.

First and foremost I write for myself. Writing is my therapy. Some people go to the gym to de-stress ( I

probably should too, summer is literally around the corner - yikes), or take up other hobbies. This one works best for me. Secondly, I write for you

guys. It warms my heart and also gives me some reassurance to know that not everyone thinks I’m crazy. The best part about doing this is when I receive private messages from readers who then open up and express that they too have been through a similar situation and are able to relate.

So, if you are a regular reader, you can imagine that I’ve probably pissed off a lot of people to which I have received some stick for it. This affected me to begin with as I am only telling my story and in doing so, others are mentioned. However, everything I write is an honest account of situations as I have experienced them and never written with malicious intent or to defame someone. What I’m about to say is meant in the most polite manner; if you don’t like what I write, then the answer is simple really. Don’t read it! This is my truth.

Moving on swiftly, I wanted to write about being a single Mum and what it’s like for me.

There’s such a stigma around single mum’s and often our situation is not viewed as us being a “family” which is ridiculous.

I raised Faith as a single Mum for most of her life, whilst co-parenting with her Father and I am doing the same with my son.

I have to list some of the assumptions that I am faced with from people, about single parenthood;

1. I can’t possibly have any dreams, goals, ambitions, because I’m a Mother with two children.

My response: Ok first of all, what a mouthful of absolute crap! Lol. I have lots of goals that I am working towards. You know that saying "real g's move in silence like lasagne" - lol. Just kidding. Anyone close to me knows what's going on. If you really want to know - just ask.

If anything, as a Mother there’s that additional drive/ambition/motivation to do better, because you have your children to think about.

2. I bet your house must be spotless being at home with the kids all the time!

My response: You cheeky mother...now this comment has two elements of shade in there. For those who are a little lost, shade = an insult directed towards an individual, meant with intent, but can be passed off in a light hearted manner.

So the first element of shade; you have assumed I don’t work. Whether I do or not is actually irrelevant at this point. Why not just ask?

Shadey comment part 2; anyone with a toddler/young child, will know that you can tidy your house 7,567,123 times a day and they will still create even more mess. So guess what, some days I leave the house messy and sort it once Tate is in bed. The answer to your question is no.

3. It must get lonely being on your own with the kids.

My response: Actually no. Like genuinely. I really enjoy my own company. If I want adult company, I can make plans to see friends. I love not having to share my bed every night (well Tate likes to join me sometimes), I love not having to fight someone for the duvet cover, or having to clean/tidy up after another person.

I love not having to complain about the toilet lid being put down after use, or reminding another adult human to close the toothpaste after using it...the list could go on!

(Can you tell that I’m definitely used to having my own space? Lol)

I have to say, it isn’t easy bringing up children, but it is awfully rewarding and the best job in the world.

I have a 10 year old and a 1 year old and I was often told when pregnant with my son, how easy it would be as my daughter is older and able to help out. Although Faith is the biggest help and big sister, but she too is just a child.

Both of my children are at different stages in their lives and it’s hard trying to entertain the two at the same time.

My son is still very young, so he requires a lot of my attention. Faith needs me too in different ways and trying to find that balance on my own can prove to be quite challenging at times...but I do my best.

While Faith was growing up, although I mostly did it on my own, my Mum played an active role in her life. Although we were not always on speaking terms, she regularly made an effort to make that train journey down from her home in Brighton to Croydon ( all whilst studying for her degree) and collect Faith to do loads of fun activities with her. So you can imagine that I expected similar treatment with my son? Regardless of the relationship (or lack of) between my Mother & I..

Oh, how wrong I was to assume such a thing.

Why is it so different this time around?

My son does not have a relationship with my Mum and it breaks my heart. He is the most loving, caring, funny little boy and she is missing out.

As my children do not share a father, my Mum is the only immediate and neutral family member that they have that they can both visit together. Unfortunately, that has never happened. It’s excuse after excuse.

I can’t force her (although I have tried). For e.g: There’s been times when my Mum has asked for Faith weeks in advance, to go and stay with her for a few days and I have said yes, providing she takes Tate, thus she would need to build a relationship with Tate by visiting more often.

It’s not that she has to take them both at the same time, every time, but why the lack of effort when it comes to state? There’s usually a hesitation or some sort of long pause, followed by an excuse. Or she will agree, then when it comes down to it, I won’t hear from her.

Some might not agree, but I personally feel that she should either make an equal effort with both of my children or none at all....it’s looking like the latter at this point in time.

The effort made is very inconsistent. What I’ve come to realise is that if she really really wanted that relationship with Tate- the same beautiful relationship she had with Faith while she was growing up, she would make the effort. As devastating as it is, sadly she doesn’t.

As Faith has gotten older, she’s got to that point where the thought of spending the night at her Nan’s isn’t as appealing as it used to be. Obviously, this is a natural things as she’s a pre-teen and Nan’s just aren’t “lit*” once you pass a certain age as a child.

*Lit = fun, exciting

I’ve noticed that my Mum has withdrawn from spending as much time with Faith now, because of the awkward situation of also spending time with Tate. Why allow your relationship with your granddaughter to dwindle, because of that? What’s wrong with spending time with both individually and together? Maybe my expectations are too high? I just really expected for her to be really involved.

I spoke to a good friend of mine and she reckons it could be some sort of guilt on my Mum’s part. I understand that when I had Faith at 15, my Mum probably felt she could be more involved as I was still a child myself. Maybe she feels as though she would be treading on my toes? I’m older now, so maybe she feels she doesn’t need to be as involved? Is it because she was at Faith’s birth and not Tate’s?? I just can’t seem to make sense of it at all.

I’ve tried speaking to her about the situation on numerous occasions and given her so many opportunities to be a regular part of his life, even when I’ve not wanted to because I’ve felt hurt but she continues to let me down. So I have just reached the point where after almost 2 years (Tate’s life), I can’t take anymore disappointment.

What makes it so difficult, is the fact that Faith got to experience and build a relationship with my Mum that Tate hasn’t and probably won’t ever get to. Faith grew up with my Mum as a second Mother to her. Yet Tate just views her as the woman who video calls occasionally.

So it is literally just myself and Tate’s dad’s family who are actively involved in Tate’s life. Which I’m grateful for, as I know Tate is really loved on his Dad’s side. It’s just such a shame that he won’t grow up knowing my Mum the way Faith does.

Anyway, I absolutely love being a Mum. I also love the fact that I don’t have to argue with anyone and I can raise my children in the way I see fit. There isn’t someone else there to contradict me or say yes, when I’ve said no, or to say no, when I’ve said yes.

I get to run the household as the superwoman that I am and spend extra special, quality time with my offspring.

Although, I am faced with a lot of challenges that two parent families might not experience, we are a team.

There’s myself who oversees the “smooth” running of our home, Faith with her headstrong, bubbly, entertaining, annoying self and Tate- the man of the house that has Faith & I wrapped around his little chubby fingers.

I’m doing the best job I can to raise my children (whilst co-parenting with their Dad’s) and so far, they’ve turned out wonderfully. There’s only 3 of us in our house, but this trio works just right for us.

Sophia xoxo