That moment when you start to realise you are everything & more 💛

In the past when relationships have broken down or just when things didn’t work out with a guy I might have been dating or speaking to, my answer to that would be just to distract myself - with another guy. Lol. Trust me, I went full circle a few times. After the breakdown of my last relationship, I felt different than previously. Different because my son was so young and also because this time I had two children. I was too busy to entertain anyone else whole heartedly and I knew I didn’t want anything serious. I also didn’t want anything casual. I guess what I was after was a distraction every now and then, but also some sort of validation to see if I "still had it." I remember looking through my contact list to see if there was any old links I could speak to just to keep me distracted, but of course there wasn’t. I had deleted all remnants of my past when I entered my relationship.

Looking back, everything I was doing was just so wrong. Stupidly, I was looking for reassurance from a man to make me feel good. Which of course is so wrong on so many levels. I mean, where was the self love? Why did I feel that I needed the attention of a man to make myself feel better? I wouldn’t dream of advising Faith when she’s old enough to be having boyfriends (so like when she’s 45), to just go and seek attention from other men to make her feel better! So why the hell was I doing that? You see it all too often in the films. Girl meets guy, relationship breaks down, girls friends come over to comfort her, they all get ready to go out and they try and hook her up with the hottest guy in the club to make her feel better & to “forget her ex.” Of course, we all know this never works. For me it wasn’t even about forgetting my ex. I had come to terms with the relationship being over months before I ended it. My struggle was more so adjusting to life as a single mother of two. I had managed fine when it was just Faith & I, but now to have another little human being to look after, with little family support...I just wasn’t sure I could do it. I struggled in the beginning. I was suffering from post-natal depression AGAIN. I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t tell my friends and dealt with this by shutting everyone out. Another thing I struggled with, were the taunts from my ex. Oh the taunts. The endless texts, emails and calls. He knew I was suffering, but still persisted with blaming me for finding it difficult to cope because I chose this life amongst a number of other things. From another perspective, he was right. I did make the choice to become a single mum, but in the best interests of my children and myself because that relationship was toxic. I was unhappy and Faith had begun to pick up on that. If I had stayed, how long before Tate picked up on it too? Although he was just a baby, babies can pick up on negative energy. The person I was with was not the male role model I wanted for my children. My daughter had started to find it difficult to be around him, so that was it for me. I should note he never harmed her, but his attitude, way of thinking and approach to certain things was just not right for us. We just weren't compatible. There were many other factors as to why I couldn’t stay in the relationship, so I know and have maintained my confidence in that me leaving was the best decision I have EVER made. The love was just no longer there. Anyway, back to relationships. I guess nowadays it’s not unheard of (especially my age group now) to meet someone who has a child. However, I felt having 2 children from different people would be a major turn off. I guess it is to some people. So who the hell would want me?? This I struggled with and I lacked so much confidence. Why did I care so much?? Surely if I ended up with someone they would love me for me, so why was I so focused on this?? I allowed that same person to continue to abuse me mentally and let it affect me. Just to clarify, I am not, nor have I ever been ashamed of my offspring. It was nothing to do with them, it was my lack of self-worth and feeling like I had to prove myself yet again. I left my last relationship a different person to who I was when I entered it. Years of problems and emotional abuse lead to a lack of confidence and self esteem. I had once been the life and soul of the party, full of confidence & energy, a joker and a natural flirt. I left the relationship feeling like the wallpaper at the party, had zero confidence and didn’t even know how to begin to flirt. Just super awkward. Even Meg from Family guy had more oomph than I did! Ha! Now, I feel different. I’m not there yet, but I’m learning to love myself again and do things for ME. How can I teach my daughter these things and not believe in it myself? I have been single for over a year and I’m happy this way. I have no plans to enter into a relationship anytime soon as I feel I still have so much healing to do and I need time for me. How can I even begin to consider trying to love someone else, when I’m still learning to love me? What I have learnt most importantly in the past year, is that I am enough. I often felt that I wasn’t good enough or worthy of being loved. What I know now, is that I am everything and more. I have absolutely accepted my situation for what it is. Sure, we’re not your “typical” family, but we are a family nonetheless. Me, Faith & Tate. I am a Mum to two beautiful children. So who cares about what people have got to say about it?? I love my children, they are well looked after and most importantly, they are happy! When I do decide to finally settle down, I will not settle for anything less than we deserve. For the time being, I really just want to focus on myself, the kids and the future. Love, Sophia x *disclaimer* This has not been written to speak badly on anyone. Just writing from my personal experiences!