For now, I'll just love you from a distance..

I was able to tick an item off of my bucket list this week.. However what should have been a moment of celebration and reflection (I worked super hard for it), turned into one of heartbreak and self preservation.

The cause of my pain? My mother.

So let’s take a journey back in time to my childhood (some time in the 90’s).

As a children, my sister & I went on trips with our Mum, played board games, decorated the house with those tacky, foil hanging Christmas decorations from the 90’s and spent most evenings singing and dancing for our own entertainment- Stars in their eyes style. If you don’t remember this show, you’re too young for me bro.

My relationship with my Mum was normal. I mean besides her being a typical African parent and leaving lists of chores for my sister and I to do on most days, I was pretty happy. She has always been moving and caring. Even though at times she showed it in a funny way, but that’s just Mum’s for you right?!

When I reached the age of liking boys in my last couple of years at primary school though, it wasn’t my Mum I was telling. It was my step-dad. He came into my life when I was about 8. He left my life when I was 12, as his relationship with my Mum had broken down.

Initially, when they had first got together, I was not impressed. For many reasons. (See post: Looking for a Dad for more on this).

However, it wasn’t long before I warmed to him and he became the best thing in my life. Mum was often busy working the two jobs she had, whilst also studying, so the majority of my time was spent with him. He did the School run, he made dinner and was generally around most of the time.

So naturally, he was the one I would confide in, even when it came to girl stuff because he allowed me to feel comfortable enough to talk about it with him. My step-dad was the ideal Dad. He was all the things I had longed for in my own Dad and more.

So you can imagine when their relationship broke down years later, how much this affected me.

I didn’t really have that close of a relationship with my Mum in the time they were together as she was busy with work and studies - which I can understand now, but maybe at the time I didn’t quite get it.

When they broke up, all of a sudden we were made homeless and it was a couple of months before we had our permanent home back.

Mum was absolutely devastated. Heartbroken. I remember her never leaving her bed on the weekends and spending most of the time sobbing. She would ask my sister and I not to leave her and to spend time with her instead, but I refused. I was so angry at her and blamed her for the breakdown of her relationship with my step-dad. My sister and I were forced into the situation in the beginning, then when we grew to love him, it was short lived and taken away from us. The one man who had been so consistent in my life and always went out of his way to do “Dad” things was no longer in my life. The one man who treated me as if I was his own, had been taken away from me and I blamed my Mum.

From then on I began to rebel. I didn’t listen to her. I did what I wanted, when I wanted.

I remember asking my Mum for things (clothes, money, items) just to be able to keep up with the trends or go out with my friends and she mostly said no. So I began stealing.*

(*Met police if you’re reading, I am not incriminating myself- this is just a story. Lol *side eye*. )

I would go to the local town centre every day and steal food, drinks, clothes and shoes. I did this for about 3 years and I was very good at it. It wasn’t just about greed. My mum couldn’t afford to buy a lot at this point, so instead of adding pressure on her, I went and got it myself. My entire wardrobe was stolen. From underwear to outer garments.

My mum would often question where I got my things from and I would lie and say that it was borrowed from a friend or that one of my friends had bought it for me.

My mum had become a single Mum with two daughters aged 12 & 15, whilst dealing with a heartbreak, but I simply did not care. Well, actually - I did care, but I was just so angry with her for the longest, that I allowed my anger to take over. When in reality, we were all hurting from it and the best solution would have been to come together to talk about it.

However, I felt I couldn’t talk to my Mum. Even though she would say to me on numerous occasions that I can speak to her about anything, I just felt I couldn’t. Any conversation with her was kept very general and vague. This is something that has stayed with me through till this very moment. I am unable to show/let my mum know my emotions. If I ever do, I turn it into a joke or downplay it. I analyse a lot of things and am able to make sense of why things are the way they are, but I just can’t quite figure this one out.

This was the start of a turbulent relationship with my Mum. I fell pregnant at 15 and was kicked out at 16. All these things added an immense amount of pressure to our already strained relationship. I remember after I moved in to my flat, asking my Mum to not drop all of my belongings off just yet as I had so much work to do in the flat etc.

The following day she dumped off all of my stuff and moved to Brighton.

It may seem like a small thing, but it really upset me. I was already dealing with post-natal depression and adjusting to being a new Mum, then that happened. I was so upset. I felt so much hurt, I felt abandoned and even more anger.

Over the years, my relationship with her worsened. I despised her so much that I did some terrible things.

One time, she got on a train from Brighton to come and see Faith- my daughter.

It was pouring with rain and it was dark out. I had friends over. I remember not letting her in because she had turned up unannounced and I was ‘busy’ with my friends.

The amount of guilt I feel for doing this, still gets to me now.

We have both done things to upset each other. Up until Faith was about 5/6, my Mum kept offering to adopt Faith as her own. This used to really bug me and I asked her to stop saying it, but she wouldn’t. She pressed on.

She would do little things like tell Faith to call her “Mum” or get Faith to call me by my first name and not Mum. On purpose. So, our relationship wasn’t great. Instead, her relationship with Faith flourished and ours dwindled. My Mum has always treated Faith as her own.

I remember being out shopping with my Mum and sister as a child and she would tell us not to call her Mum. Instead, by her first name. I think she was probably embarrassed at the time about having 2 children at such a young age. So in latter years, when she would annoy me I would call her by her first name, then she would get cross and exclaim “I AM YOUR MOTHER” to which I would always respond in a smarmy tone ‘oh, so you’re Mum today?”

More recently, one of my friends called me up. She sounded shaken on the phone. I had recommended an old friend of my Mum’s to do some decorating for her and he had just left her house.

The phone-call went like this;

Friend: babe, I don’t know how to say this but F was just here and he made a big revelation

Me: *chuckles* Oh gosh, what has F said now. I know he’s got a big mouth and sometimes says some outrageous things. I did warn you before he got there. What did he say?

Friend: *takes a deep breath* No, Soph - this is serious.

She sounded like she was almost in tears

Me: Oh my gosh, what?

Friend: *long pause*

Me: Go on...

Friend: He said that you and your sister are adopted and that your Mum isn’t really your Mum.

Me: *bursts out in uncontrollable laughter*

Friend: I’m so sorry Soph

Me: *through laughter* Did he also say that we were my Mum’s sister’s children and that she died after giving birth to me?

Friend: Oh my gosh, babe. I didn’t know you knew. How did I not know you were adopted, we’ve been friends for years?!

Me: Lol, because it’s not true. My mum often tells people that.

..and I wasn’t even joking.

There have been numerous occasions where I’ve been approached by people who have said this, but each time it’s a slightly different story from the last and I’m always intrigued to find out what has been said. It’s a lie. My Mum is my biological Mum, but I think she is definitely ashamed or embarrassed about having been a young Mum. She’s been saying it for years and I’m genuinely not bothered. My sister on the other hand gets hurt by it, but it is what it is.

I confronted her about it a few months ago as I thought it would be funny to watch her squirm, instead she accused me and my sister of ganging up on her and she stormed out of my house.

***

I always felt so much anger towards her and I guess she was still disappointed in me for becoming a teenage Mum and it showed.

What I only realised recently, was I was angry because I felt abandoned. I felt at a time when I needed my Mum the most, she wasn’t there for me. Always there for Faith, but not so much me.

In more recent years as I’ve got older, I realise how my behaviour and my actions affected my Mum. I also realise he childhood has affected her a lot. I have acknowledged this on many occasions and have often apologised for the things I did wrong.

What my Mum has never done, is apologise for the mistakes she made.

I can only assume that she either doesn’t realise how much her actions have affected me or she’s too stubborn to do so.

My mum had a terrible childhood. I won’t go into too much detail as it isn’t my story to tell, but she endured some heartbreaking situations that I guess have affected her to this day.

My Mum comes and goes in my life. I often distance myself as something always happens where I end up getting hurt, then months later I forgive her and we speak again.

She has always been there for Faith, but our relationship is hit and miss. Sometimes we will get on ok, then other times we can go months or even just over a year without speaking.

When I witness the relationship that my cousins or even friends have with their Mum, I’m mind blown. It’s a far cry from what I have with my Mum and I couldn’t even imagine being able to speak to my Mum about some of the things they do with theirs. Even the relationships my friends have with their Dad. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like. To have parents that you can speak to, get on with most of the time and confide in? Supportive and caring without putting you down? Crazy.

Which is why it’s so important for me to build a great relationship with my kids.

I do not have family support and everything I’ve done, I’ve done alone.

It didn’t bother me before, but since the breakdown of my last relationship, I have felt I needed support now more than ever and I am just not getting it. As a single Mum with two children, it’s not easy.

I thought my Mum would have a brilliant relationship with my son as she did my daughter, but I was so wrong. She’s hardly involved. This absolutely breaks my heart, because as much as she wasn’t really there for me from the age of 15, she was always around for my daughter.

My mum always wanted a boy in the family and now there is a surprise we handsome, loving and caring little boy here and she just doesn’t seem to be that interested. Whenever, she does randomly pop up, she seems awkward.

I’ve sat there many times and wondered if it was because she was at Faith’s birth and not Tate’s?

That shouldn’t stop you from building a relationship with your grandchild though?

My view is this, you can’t pick and choose which grandchild you want to have a relationship with. So it’s either you make an effort with both or none at all!

Faith has even picked up on my mum’s lack of interest/interaction with my son and it’s heartbreaking, so if I continue to allow things to continue as they are, one day he will pick up on it and be hurt. Thank goodness he’s too young to know what’s going on.

Anyway, this week I just felt really let down by her. It takes a lot to ask my Mum for anything, let alone for help because most of the time the answer is no. However, I really needed her support. Of course, she said no. Just at the moment I received some brilliant news and it broke me.

Every time I let my Mum back into my life, she lets me down or disappoints me and I struggle to come back from that.

Whenever it happens, I really realise that I am doing this alone. There’s a lot I can’t talk about, but it’s just been a rollercoaster.

I can’t rely on her for emotional support as I feel I can’t talk to her, I can’t rely on her for childcare because she’s sporadic.

I’m happy for her that she gets to live her life as my sister and I have grown up and she too was a young Mum, but it’s hard as I literally have no family support. This past year has been the hardest year of life. I’m still recovering from the after affects of being in an emotionally abusive relationship, trying to Mum, study and work.

In saying that, it also makes me realise and appreciate how bloody strong I am. To have achieved all I have achieved and continue to strive for the things I want, with little support. I can only applaud myself. It’s taken me longer than I had hoped, but what I know now is that I cannot compare my situation to those around me as we all go through different situations. It took a while for me to realise this and it was hard as I watched so many of my friends compete their degrees and buy houses etc. Most of them had some sort of support or no children.

In an ideal world, my Mum would be there for both my children. The kids have different Dads. My mum is the only mutual family member they have that they can both go to, together. Unfortunately, that has never happened. I cannot force that situation. I love my Mother dearly, but for now I need to love her from a distance.

I’m so fortunate though to have 2 really great friends and a sister who, when they can, will watch my kids every so often, so I can go and do what I need to do. Whether that’s speaking at an event regarding my blog, studying, working or just when I need to have some time to myself. Every time they do, I come home to a spotless house and happy children. So, thank you guys. I love you more than words can say. You know how much I appreciate that and will eternally be grateful.

I’m also grateful to my children’s Dads for consistently having them on the days they are supposed to. They might annoy me sometimes, but they are playing their roles.

Going forward, all I can do is keep striving ,pushing and working hard to achieve all the things I want to achieve.

Continue to be the best, supportive, loving and caring Mum that I can be (even though I doubt myself sometimes) and live for the moment instead of allowing my past to affect me.

xoxo

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