How do you tell your Mum that you're pregnant at 15..?

How do you tell your Mum that you are pregnant at 15?

Like how do you even begin to tell her? Especially when she doesn't even know you're having sex?

I’ll tell you how. Make her a fry up and a cup of tea. That’ll soften the blow.

At least I thought it would anyway..

August 2006. The summer holidays before Year 11. I gave J a massive cuddle and a kiss and saw him off as he left for his holiday to Spain. I was feeling pretty emotional. He promised to buy a calling card upon his arrival there so that he could call me every night. These were the days before smartphones, what’s app and FaceTime. MSN was the in thing.

Just 2 days earlier we had found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. J had a holiday already booked so we planned to tell our parents together when he got back. Our logic was that if we told them together, they couldn’t get that mad at us. We figured that telling them together our parents wouldn’t get so angry. You know when your parents would be super fake whenever your friends/girlfriend/boyfriends were around and be nicer than usual? So we thought telling them together would reduce the chances of any humiliating backlash. How naive were we?

Anyway, so J left for Spain and all of a sudden I felt alone. J had been my support, my comforter and my everything I needed in this time of crisis. Now all of a sudden he was off abroad. A couple of days went by and I didn’t hear from J. I knew that it wasn’t intentional, but I needed him more than ever to reassure me that we were making the right decision.

The weekend came and it was a lovely sunny morning. I was in bed chatting away with my older sister. I went on to tell her that I was pregnant. She was 18 at the time. My sister’s ever so supportive response was ‘shiiiiiiit!’

Cheers sis.

She then proceeded to tell me that I should tell Mum. I was very reluctant to tell her just yet for many reasons - the main one being that I was scared I would lose my life! Also the fact that J and I had agreed to tell our parents together. My sisters reaction made me feel bad and that I should tell Mum right away. As I hadn’t heard from J I was feeling a little unsure so I had no choice but to tell my Mum.

I got up and made her a full English. That’ll do the trick - I said to myself. Teamed with a cup of tea just the way she liked it.

So the moment of truth arose. I remember wearing my purple Disney tinker bell nightie then knocking on her door. There was no answer. I pushed the door open and Mum was there asleep. ‘Surprise!’ I shouted. Mum slowly opened her eyes, squinting through the darkness of her room to find me standing there grinning from ear to ear with a breakfast delivery. ‘Oh, thank you’ she mumbled through the sleepiness while yawning and getting herself ready to sit up. I placed the tray on her lap, waiting for her to smile. The smile came. ‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’ Mum suspiciously asked.

‘Just thought I would bring you breakfast for being such a good Mum’ I innocently replied.

‘Aaww, that’s nice Soph’ Mum said with such appreciation. I felt bad.

To be honest, it wasn’t unusual for me to do this for Mum. I often did it so she would wake up being happy for the day and maybe not designate so many chores out to us!

As she ate, I sat on the edge of the bed talking to her. Funnily enough, we ended up talking about a friend of mine from school who had left just before the summer holidays as she had fallen pregnant herself. Mum was asking what her plans were and how her Mother had reacted and felt about the whole situation. You could see the shock all over her face. Little did she know that in approximately 3 minutes she was about to understand EXACTLY how my friends Mum felt. I suddenly felt the guilt weighing in on my heart. Not to mention the fact that I felt I was about to poo myself. My stomach was doing somersaults.

I often used to joke with my Mum that I was pregnant, so in the spur of the moment I felt this was the best delivery.

"I’m pregnant too."

Mum laughed. ‘Yeah yeah,’ she responded sarcastically, whilst eating her slightly over done toast.

I kept to repeating it, but she thought I was messing around.

It got to the point where I stood up to take the plate from her hands, then said in a serious tone.

"No, I am seriously pregnant"

I took the plate so she wouldn’t throw it at me. When I said it that time. She knew in her heart and I could see all over her face that she believed it. I ran out of the room. I remember Mum stopping my sister as she walked past her room to say ‘apparently Soph’s pregnant’ to which my sister replied ‘yeah she is’. My mum began to sob uncontrollably.

It was so awkward.

I also remember Mum saying ‘I didn’t even know you were having sex!’ In my head I thought, well yeah you weren’t supposed to know. I got dressed super quick and left the house as quickly as I could.

***

When I returned home later that night, I was met with the stone cold face of my Mum. She sat me down to talk to her about what my options were. She suggested I look at another option. I was adamant that wasn’t for me as J and I had made a pact and were certain we wanted to keep the baby.

However, I ended up feeling pressured as I didn’t have the support from J and hardly anyone knew, so I felt I had to listen to my Mum.

She told me she would call the GP in the morning to book an appointment.

The following morning, at last, my phone call from J came. I had never been so happy to speak to him. I sobbed down the phone to him explaining what had happened and about the GP appointment. He knew I didn’t want to do it and he didn’t want that either. So we agreed that we would keep the baby and carry on with our plan.

Our plan was that he would save up money from his weekly paper round (£30) then buy all the baby stuff. If he didn’t have enough, he would borrow money from his Dad then pay him back. Once we left School, he had planned to go to work straight away and then we would get married a couple years later. I would look after the baby then go on to do my language degree and we would live happily every after. J promised me everything would be OK and that he would look after us, no matter what. I came off the phone to him feeling relieved, happy, excited and hopeful. To this day, I am ever grateful he called me as he reassured me and reminded me that he had my back. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

Breaking the news to my Mum that I wouldn’t be attending the appointment and had changed my mind was the most terrifying thing. She flew off the rails. She shouted, she cried, she cussed me, she screamed. I was scared, but I knew I had to do what I wanted and not what everyone thought was best for me.

I understand completely why she wanted me to not continue with the pregnancy but in my heart of hearts, I knew it was wrong and not what I wanted. From that day forward, my relationship with my Mum changed forever. Throughout my pregnancy my Mum kept offering to adopt Faith and bring her up as her own, which I strongly declined. She continued to do this, all the way up until Faith was about 5. Can you imagine how frustrating this was for me?

Anyway, J got back from holiday a few days later and my mum had stressed that she really wanted to meet with his parents to discuss what was going to happen going forward, but J had kept delaying telling his parents. There was a reason for this, which to him seemed pretty logical.

HE WANTED A NEW PAIR OF FOOTBALL BOOTS FOR THE NEW FOOTBALL SEASON and he figured if he told his Mum before the football season started, she wouldn’t have bought them for him. This goes to speak for our maturity at the time.

You can definitely tell we were only 15.

The time came for J to tell his Mum ( the boots had now been purchased) and her reaction wasn’t far off of my Mum’s. J then decided to move out of his Mum’s to his Dad’s as he wasn’t happy with how she had reacted. So for a while, their relationship was also affected.

Both our parents agreed to meet at J’s Mums for dinner to discuss the next steps for us. Neither myself or J were interested in doing so. We knew they would try to get us to change our minds, so we went into the meeting supporting each other and agreed that no matter what was said, we would stand by our decision. We loved each other and knew this was what we wanted.

Our parents did exactly what we predicted, but we stuck to our guns. The mood was very sombre. We were there for hours, but still we stood our ground. I recall J even walking out at one point because he had, had enough. I wasn’t that brave, but ultimately we did what we said we would.

Thank goodness for that, because now we have a beautiful 10 year old out of it.

Now, I imagine some of you must be wondering why I would write such a thing as Faith could potentially see this one day. Well, the truth is, I discussed this with her quite recently. I asked her if she knew what an abortion was and she said yes. It was one of the topics she had learnt while doing sex education at school. We got to chatting and she told me that my Mum had previously told her about what had happened when she found out that I was pregnant. My mum also explained (which I also reinforced) that after she was born everyone was happy she was around and that we had gone against their suggestions.

It’s not something she’s upset about as it didn’t come to that. She actually high 5’d me and said she was happy that her Dad and I stood our ground. We can’t sit there and worry about what could have been, but only think about what has actually happened. I also understand exactly where our parents are coming from, as does Faith. She’s very mature for her age.

Even though I don’t necessarily agree with their approach, we were only 15. We both attended very respectable Christian schools, we were both bright, straight A students who had our futures ahead of us.

My mum was a young Mum herself, so I imagine it was particularly difficult for her as it was history repeating itself. Our relationship seriously deteriorated throughout my pregnancy. To the point where I pretty much just moved in with J at his Dads. His Dad was the only one in our family who didn’t give us such a hard time about the situation, so it was easier and less stressful for us to just stay with him.

It was super uncomfortable being at home as my Mum just couldn’t accept it. I had to hide my bump anytime her friends or family came over and she flat out refused to speak to me.

J and I both left School with decent GCSE results and both continued with our education after leaving School.

In the weeks after I had Faith, I split my time between J’s Mums and my house. When I was around J and his family, I didn’t feel so awkward or bad about having had Faith. They had all accepted it and come to terms with our decision. When I was around my Mum with Faith, I always felt like I couldn’t show any emotions. Even when it came to cuddling Faith and showing her love, I would always go into my bedroom as I didn’t want my Mum to see. I would also breastfeed Faith away from my Mum. I guess I still felt like a child and felt my Mum was probably watching my every move and judging me, so my reaction to that was to be emotionless around her. Every time Faith needed picking up or cuddling, I would go into another room. It was hard and it was stressful, but I didn’t feel I could do all those things in front of my Mum. I know it sounds weird, but it’s just the way it was. So I spent most of the time in my room and away from my Mum so I could cuddle Faith all the time.

When Faith & I were made homeless in May of 2007 (Faith was just a few weeks old), J’s Mum effectively became my surrogate Mother. It was a very long time before my Mum could really accept the situation. My mum moved to Brighton to study a degree and my sister also went to uni the same year. Although my Mum was always there for Faith growing up, our relationship was the complete opposite.

Looking back I understand how our relationship suffered, but it still didn’t stop the hurt and abandonment I felt.

J’s Mum became my rock. Even after J and I split up, she always supported me emotionally and sometimes financially. When J and I would disagree she would always stay neutral. Telling him when he was wrong and the same with me. I am eternally grateful for all the love and support she gave me and my daughter through all the hard times . She went above and beyond. Even to this day. I love J’s Mum like she is my own Mother as she has always been so involved and invested in Faith as well as me.

It was never easy being a teenage Mum, but as I always say, I wouldn’t change it for the world!! I love being a young Mum. When Faith turns 18, I will be just 33!

No matter what happens in Faith’s life, I will always be there to support her ❤️

xoxo

#ATouchOfFate