Self reflection, post-natal depression & an identity crisis

I almost didn’t post today as this past week I have been super busy and had a bit of a rubbish week. Between work, studying, the kids and applying for Secondary Schools for my eldest, I didn’t have much time to think about much and I haven’t had much time to actually just sit down and think/process everything that has been going on. I need to do this every so often, as does every other human being in order to stay sane and think about how best to react or deal with certain situations. I’ve only recently discovered this about myself (in the past year). I refer to this as ‘rebalancing my chi’*

*Chi - in Chinese is defined as a life force or energy. Chi can enhance mental capacity too. The concept of chi extends beyond the physical body, to the subtle energies that activate all human functions, including emotions and thought. Unbalanced chi causes your emotions to become agitated and distressed. Balanced chi causes your emotions to become smooth and more satisfying.

My chi was way off this week. So I decided to write about a combination of things.

Self reflection, post natal depression & an identity crisis.

After being in a turbulent relationship for a few years I really felt I had lost myself. I couldn’t find joy in anything. The things I used to love doing, stopped becoming fun. I didn’t want to leave the house (although I would have to force myself), I was insecure, unsure of who I was and scared of the world. Being in the relationship I was in had really changed me and I didn’t recognise myself anymore. The only thing I knew for certain was that I was a Mum. Around the time of my break up (a year ago) I started to become almost obsessed with my children. I focused every ounce of energy in to them and didn’t want to be away from them ever. Obviously, as a Mother, these are natural things to feel, however I really felt that if I ever left my children, I would be doing them a disservice. So anytime I had to be without them, I was overcome with guilt. I wouldn’t sleep at night, in case my son woke up and I would smother my daughter with affection. I wasn’t sleeping properly and I wasn’t eating much. I was pretty much doing a 24 hour shift, on top of studying and trying to figure sh*t out. The problem was that I would do too much. Then I hit a really rough patch. I started to feel that I wasn’t good enough for the children and that they would probably be better off without me.

I was so disappointed and angry at myself. Even though I was so wrapped up in my warped world, I could recognise the symptoms.

I had post-natal depression.

F*ck!

Not again.

Rewind to May 2007. I had not long given birth to my daughter Faith and was still in recovery. Unfortunately, I had torn down there due to pushing her out super quickly. Then I had stitches. Ouch.

I didn’t have any pain relief when giving birth to either of my children. With Faith, as some of you may know, my Mother took so long to get me to the hospital, by the time I got there I was ready to push and the midwife advised me that I had overcome the worst bit and that taking gas and air would only make me tired.

When having my son Tate, again, I had endured most of the long contractions before I had reached the hospital and I tried the gas and air for a couple of contractions, but it wasn’t working out for me. So I ditched it.

Anyway, back to early May 2007. I was at my then boyfriends, Mum’s house with my newborn. I had logged on to the computer as I was looking through some old files - old msn conversations. Remember when your conversations would back up as a file and you could see your entire conversation history? Yeah. So I came across a conversation between J and another girl.

So I’ve got to take you back in time again. Now it’s August 2006. 15 years old, in the summer holidays, waiting for Year 10 to start...Not a care or responsibility in the world. Just living my life, partying and "in love" with my boyfriend at the time. J & I took a trip to the NHS Walk in Centre that used to be by Croydon Clocktower. Sitting in that waiting room, I was nervous, but not really quite sure why. My name is called. I leave him in the waiting room. The Nurse Jane says 'yeah, there's definitely 2 lines on there, going by your last period, I would say you're about 6 weeks pregnant.' My heart stopped. I cried. I didn't really know what it meant, but I knew it was far too early and that it was serious. I had a baby inside of me, but it still hadn't sunk in properly. All those days we frolicked and did things we shouldn't have been doing, suddenly had a consequence. Even still, I still didn't understand the entirety of the situation. I didn't know it then, but I had just changed the course of my life, forever. He was over the moon. Ecstatic. A serious situation had arisen from what we thought was just teenage, puppy love. We both knew what we wanted to do. We were going to keep the baby. He held me in his arms while I sobbed outside the clinic - what would Mum say?? He cried, but tears of joy. 2 completely different reactions, from 2 naive teenagers. Later on that night, we talked about how we would bring up the baby. He had a paper round, so we planned to use the £30 a week he earned from that, to save to buy things for the baby. I would finish school, then we would be fine. Lol. J kept telling me I was the only girl for him, that he had eyes only for me and that we would spend the rest of our lives together.

J was going on Holiday the following week and we had planned to tell our parents together once he arrived back. (I’ll save the telling our parents story for another post. Maybe next week).

When he got back from Spain, he had told me about all his Holiday friends he had made. Including one girl in particular; B. B was from Yorkshire. Now, when I heard her name, alarm bells went off in my head. You know that womanly instinct when you know something is off. I probed further. Eventually he confessed that she had fancied him and that they shared a kiss. I was devastated, but I was able to over look it as I genuinely believed he was sorry and we had a baby and a future all planned out.

So we’re back to May 2007. The MSN conversation I had discovered was between him and B. Long story cut short, they had been talking about the Holiday they met on and had discussed in very intricate details, the times they had been intimate together on the beach.

Wow.

This was the start of my downward spiral into darkness. Following on from finding this out, our relationship continued to break down. Looking back, I think J was probably finding it difficult to adjust to being a 16 year old Dad. As brilliant of a Dad he was, he became a rubbish partner. This, plus GCSE exams, then my Mum moving away to Brighton, having a newborn and being homeless, whilst trying to figure out what I was going to do in life eventually took its toll on me. These were my triggers.

I was suffering from Post-Natal depression. Quite severely. The pressures of trying to prove everyone wrong had taken become too much.

I would feel resentful towards J. That he was able to still go out and enjoy himself, frolic with other girls and still be carefree. I felt that I had been burdened with not having that same freedom. Although, it wasn’t Faith’s fault, I started to feel very low. This is what post natal depression does to you.

Now I’m about to get very real about some of the symptoms I felt. I remember getting random urges to do something. So for example, I would get the urge to write out ‘I love Faith’ on the wall with my finger, because if I didn’t, I felt something awful would happen. I.e; death. So I have to clarify, I didn’t have thoughts of harming Faith, but in my head, not doing it meant something bad would happen. I know it sounds mental and is the most awful thing, but this was something I experienced. So I would frantically do that. I would have thoughts of harming myself and of suicide, I felt Faith would be better off without me. Our family had fallen apart and I was a single Mum. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined things would turn out that way.

I had lost my appetite and felt pretty useless. I felt like no-one wanted me and that I was no good, especially for Faith. I felt so much guilt. Poor Faith had been burdened with me as a Mother and she didn’t deserve it.

I felt so alone and also felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it as I felt I had so much to prove with being a 16 year old, now single Mum.

I wish at the time, that there was someone around me (close to me) who was able to recognise my symptoms and tell me that it wasn’t unusual to experience this and that actually, more than 1 in ten woman also experienced it. Eventually I went to my GP and broke down in front of her. She told me that I would be ok and gave me a leaflet which explained what post-natal depression was. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had suffered for months in silence and finally there was a reason for my madness.

I was offered anti-depressants and counselling. I refused the medication, but opted for the counselling. However, the waiting list was so long by the time I think I received a call saying I could go, I was ok.

Now the road the recovery wasn’t easy, but fortunately I had a couple of good friends around me who I was able to confide in. Just being able to talk about it without feeling judged or looked at like I had lost the plot made me feel better. I decided that I could help myself. That’s what worked best for me. I would talk about things more and was very active. I had a healthy social life and was able to get the right balance.

I’m a firm believer in being able to help yourself through your thoughts and actions, so eventually I overcame it. This doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for me.

You can only imagine how I felt when I realised a few months after having Tate, that it had returned. Statistically, I knew I was at risk. Mothers who have previously suffered from post-natal depression are likely to suffer it again with the next child.

This time around my symptoms were different as I explained earlier, but again once I recognised fully that it had returned. I began to take control of it and my life. I was studying, keeping myself busy, but also taking time out for myself. I had learnt to not let the thoughts of feeling hopeless rule me.

I just didn’t know who I was anymore.

As time has gone by, I have found that I am rediscovering myself and I feel so much wiser/self sure than I did this time last year. I’m still a work-in-progress, but I’ve started doing things for me. Hobby? This blog. I look forward to writing every week!

There are days where I literally feel down or lost, but then I kick myself up the bum and get myself together. What I’m realising is that this is normal. It’s ok to be super happy and excited for anything and everything that’s going on, but it’s also ok to sometimes feel down because something hasn’t worked out or gone to plan. This is what life is about. Nothing is for certain. It can be hard sometimes when you see things on Social Media and wish you life to be that way, but as I’ve said before. Things aren’t always as they seem. On the outward, my life may not seem picture perfect, but everyone experiences life and happiness in different ways.

My idea of a decent Friday night is staying in with the kids, heating on and all the energy they bring, which is what makes our house a home. I love when I am at home with the kids and we’re playing, getting annoyed at each other, making mess. I feel rich inside. I am so blessed to have my children. We have a roof over our head and food on the table. I’m fortunate enough to be supported by their Dad’s in the sense that I’m able to work part time and study. Everything I do with regards to work and studying, I do in order to work towards reaching my own personal goals and that keeps me going.

I am excited by life! I love learning new things and I love that I get to do life with my two offspring. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am excited for the future, but what I’m learning to do with each and every day, is to be content with the present and not be so hard on myself. I have come such a long way and I have to remember that. I might not be where I want to be right now, but I’m a lot further than I was a year ago. I have to accept myself for what I am.

Someone I know posted something earlier this week on FB. She talked about being in a dilemma as she wasn’t sure who she was, as she felt she had lost herself. When I read her status, I related to it so much. I liked her status but didn’t comment immediately. I had a moment of self reflection. I felt all the things she felt, but at the same time, I was able to take myself out of it and respond as a friend. I then commented and realised that all the things I told her, were also true to myself. I certainly have felt (especially over the last year), that I have been on a journey of self discovery.

So who am I? I am Sophie. I am a woman. I am a Mother. I am a friend, I am a sister and I am a daughter.

I am 26. I can be loud and extremely annoying, but I am also very caring and loving. I am funny and sarcastic, I am blunt and can be insensitive at times. I work hard and study even harder. I am ambitious and very passionate about making a difference in this world. I am friendly and can be confident. I can also be shy (my friends will try and say otherwise, but I have my moments) and quiet. I am curious but sometimes I don’t like change. I can be rude and I can be polite. I am weak and I am strong. I am ignorant and I am knowledgeable. I am flawed and I am intelligent. I can be stubborn and I am compliant. I am helpful and I can be unhelpful. I am determined and sometimes I can’t be bothered. I am stupid and I am wise.

I am a giant contradiction, but that’s just me. xoxo

#ATouchOfFate